Why Do They Stay?

Oct 29

By: Misty LaFree, MA, LPC

This piece contains references to domestic violence and associations to trauma. Please read with care. All quotations are from survivors of domestic abuse who wish to remain anonymous. We honor their stories and bravery by sharing for others to know and do better.

You knew that they were like this and you didn’t walk away.

“He was a completely different person before we got married, it was like a light switch.”

You are the problem, you chose to stay when you were being hurt.

“I had no access to resources, he handled our money, transportation, documents, everything. I was a prisoner in my own life and I had no one to turn to. Where would I go if I left… I’d be homeless and nameless.”

You didn’t ask for help.

“I told someone and they said it could be “that bad” they are a “good person”. I never spoke up again.”

You didn’t scream.

“If you ever raise your voice to me again I’ll choke you to death.”

You are the reason that you are in this mess.

“I am the problem, if I was a better partner they wouldn’t feel like they need to treat me like this.”

You exposed your children to this violence; you should have left for them.

“They threatened to take our kids and make sure that I’d never see them again. They would turn them against me and think that I am the monster. They would want nothing to do with me if I left.”

You should have been a better parent for your kids.

“Whenever I try to parent, they counter-parent, my parenting is never good enough, I am always the bad guy who never does enough. I always punish, never provide, and can’t do fun things because I’m keeping everything from burning down while they puppeteer fun and fantasy.”

You could just leave.

“They threatened to hunt me down and kill me if I left. They threatened to kill my family members if they couldn’t find me. I had to protect them because they would do it.”

You are responsible for your abuse.

“I upset them, I deserve to be punished. I need to do better.”

You deserve the abuse that you endured.

“I could have been stronger or done more. I let this go on. I did this to myself and didn’t see the signs.

This is a narrative that domestic violence survivors have shared time and time again. Oftentimes, when faced with domestic violence, we find ourselves asking “Why didn’t they leave?” What we don’t ask ourselves is why the behavior was okay in the first place. Why is abuse okay - because it’s taboo, uncomfortable, not impacting us directly? When we choose to not enter into these questions we are part of the problem that continues the cycles of generational abuse, so what can you do to stop intimate partner violence?

Chances are you or someone you know have felt the effects of intimate partner violence. 50% of women and 2 in 5 men have experienced intimate partner violence in their lifetime as reported in 2024 (CDC). These numbers have been increasing steadily since 2014 (CDC). It is critical to know that you are not alone if you are experiencing intimate partner violence and there is help available to you. It is also important to know and understand the signs - here are a few:

Showing extreme jealousy over your time and attention
Creating isolation through prevention you from spending time with others (i.e. friends, family)
Insulting, demeaning, shaming, or guilting you whether in public or in private
Pressuring you in any way to perform sexual acts, partake in drug use, or illicit behaviors
Utilizing intimidation to gain power and control (may threaten harm to you, self, family, friends, etc.)
Using weapons as a form of intimidation or within conflict.
Destroying your home, belongings, or things that are meaningful to you.
Preventing you from leaving a room, your home, or a space in a peaceful manner.
Controlling elements of your life such as social media, community, finances, etc.
Moving very quickly in a relationship (whirlwind) in an effort to avoid masking behaviors

There are many additional signs of intimate partner violence not listed above. It is critical to remember that according to the power and control wheel (Duluth Model) that only two of the categories listed are physical indicators of abuse; all other categories are invisible. The most important thing that we can do is believe survivors and provide resources. The most dangerous time for someone experiencing intimate partner violence is the 2 years following the end of that relationship. Studies found that there is a 75% increase in violence upon separation for at least 2 years (BWSS, 2024). Yet, there is hope. There are countless organizations, shelters, support groups, and resources for individuals fleeing from domestic violence. It is my hope that you are able to leave safety and begin your healing journey if you are currently in this situation. If you are on the other side, I am hopeful that you are seeking healing and using your story to impact others. If you are an advocate, we see you, we support you, and we honor the work that you are doing; keep leaning in. If you are in need of support or resources in West Michigan, please utilize the links at the end of this post.

Hope is never foolish.
The abuse can end.
You can be free.
You have value and are deeply loved.